ALL POSTS PRIOR TO AUGUST CAN BE FOUND IN THE ARCHIVES
1.21.10
CSI SMITTY – THE CASE OF THE MISSING CELL PHONE
Monday night, while I was refereeing basketball, I received a text from my wife that simply said, “Call me.” Now, for those of you who don’t know my wife, she hates talking on the phone. She would rather text for five hours than talk for five minutes. So I knew right away that something was amiss.
Between games, I called her, and she proceeded to tell me that our youngest daughter, returning from a beach trip with a friend, had left her brand new cell phone in a bathroom in Montgomery. The family she was with discovered it about halfway back to Birmingham, turned around and drove all the way back, but the phone was gone. Cynthia said Julianna was devastated, and repeated calls and texts to the phone had been fruitless. At that point, the smart thing would’ve been to just let it go (it was only a $50 cell phone), replace the phone (after disciplining Julianna, of course), and be done with it.
Checking back after the next game, I learned that Cynthia had, in fact, spoken to the person who found the phone. She claimed her name was Brittney and that she worked at the Hyundai plant just south of Montgomery. She said that she was working on Tuesday, and that if someone wanted to meet her there she would return the phone. In hindsight, Cynthia probably should have gotten an alternate number from “Brittney,” but they agreed that we would call Julianna’s number on Tuesday morning to set up a time and place to meet.
Being a natural cynic, and not nearly as trusting as my wife, when I finished refereeing that night, I decided to call Sprint to see if they could use the GPS chip in the phone to locate it and give me an address, just in case I needed it the next day. They said I would have to use the Sprint Family Locator, a $5/mo. option that would allow me to track where the phone was, as long as it was turned on. I had to go on the internet to do that, so I had to wait till I got home.
“By the way,” I asked the person at Sprint, “have there been any calls made from that phone tonight?”
“Ummm…yes, there has.” She explained that I could shut off everything on the phone, with the exception of incoming calls, so that I could still try to reach the person the next day. I was starting to think that part wouldn’t matter, because I felt that anyone who was using another person’s cell phone to make calls after she found it wouldn't be inclined to answer my calls the next day. But I was still willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.
So when I got home, I got online and both signed up for the tracking program, and looked at the numbers she was calling. Between 6 p.m. and 8:50 p.m., she had made 18 phone calls. None lasted very long, none were overseas, but 18 calls seemed like a lot for someone planning to return a phone. I printed off the list of phone numbers, thinking I might need them the next day. I ran the tracking program, and it came back with no response, meaning the phone was turned off. I was afraid retrieving the phone was done before it got started, but I was determined to do all I could. At this point, it became less about a $50 cell phone and more a matter of principle.
Tuesday morning, I checked the GPS Locater again and the phone had been turned on again, and it gave me an address. BINGO! Now I had all I needed, I felt, to get the phone back. I headed to Montgomery, not really knowing what to expect. I tried to call the phone numerous times that morning, but to no avail. I went ahead with Plan A, which was to go to Hyundai, armed with nothing but a first name, and get the HR Director to find “Brittney” and retrieve my phone. My best friend had warned me that they wouldn’t help me, but I was still stupid enough to be optimistic. He, of course, was right. They wouldn’t even let me past the front desk at Hyundai – I wasn’t even allowed to speak to the HR Director. Mental Note: Never buy a Hyundai – they were very rude!!
Anyway, I moved on to Plan B. I went to a nearby hotel to make a few phone calls. I was hoping that some of the people that the girl had called the night before would help me find her, and thus, find my daughter’s phone. Again, I was way too optimistic. I called three numbers, and no one knew anyone named “Brittney.” I used the business center in the hotel to check and see if the phone was still at the address that it showed on the tracker earlier, or maybe it was now at the Hyundai plant (I hoped). It was till located at the address that it had been at when I checked at 7 a.m., so it appeared I was heading for Plan C – heading to this person’s house to request they give me the phone back.
I punched the address into my GPS, and headed the 16 miles back to Prattville to see what this would bring. The closer I got to the address, the worse the neighborhood turned, which is what I feared. When I turned on the street, it turned out to be a housing project, and although it was a bright, beautiful day, the thought of walking up to a housing project and demanding to get my phone back wasn’t exactly the smartest thing I could do, so I moved on to Plan D (my final plan), which was to call the police to see if they could help me.
Prattville PD sent a patrol car out to where I was after I explained the situation to the dispatcher on the phone. I was gratefu, because I thought when I told them what was going on, they would tell me to take a hike. I was a little disappointed at first, when the officer driving the patrol car turned out to be a little old white woman who looked more like a grandmother than a police officer. I have to be honest – at this point, I was hoping for a big, black police officer who was willing to go in, kick the door down, retrieve the cell phone after scaring the devil out of this girl, and return it to me. But I was willing to take whatever I could get, considering I didn’t think they would be willing to work on something this small to begin with.
I explained the situation to the officer, and she said she would drive over to the house and see if she could get it. In less than 5 minutes, she returned, saying the address I gave her didn’t exist on that street. I explained that with GPS, it’s only accurate to within 50 yards, so it could be any one of the houses around there. Without an exact address, she couldn’t go door-to-door to find it, she said
I understood, and figured we were done, but then I gave her the list of numbers I had printed off, and she called the dispatcher to cross-reference the phone numbers for a couple of names that they belonged to. She began calling, explaining the situation. Maybe it was because she opened her dialogue with “This is Officer”…, but she had better luck than I did. A mother said her daughter had received a call last night at the time the officer mentioned, and through some pretty good persuasion, convinced the girl to give up a name and address for “Brittney.”
The address was only a block or two from the address that I had from the GPS tracking, so the officer decided to go and try again. Some 15 minutes later, she came back and wasn’t happy. She was convinced that she was being lied to, and that they knew where the phone was, but without a warrant, she couldn’t do much. “One of the women kept asking me what it looked like,” she told me. “I told her I didn’t know, but she knows if they found a cell phone or not.”
“Can you check now and see where it says the phone is,” she asked.
“Yes, I can check through my phone,” I told her. I went to my car and began the search process, but as I was looking, my phone rang. It was a Montgomery number.
“Who is this?” the voice on the other end asked.
“Who are you looking for,” I asked.
“Are you the man looking for the cell phone?”
“Why, yes I am.”
“Well, we have it, and we want to bring it to you. Where are you?”
I told her, then told the officer what happened. I found out that before leaving their house, she had told them that right now, it was simply possession of lost property, which was not a crime, but if they continued to use the phone, it was possession of stolen property, and it would then become a crime. I felt certain that was what changed their mind and caused them to rethink keeping the phone.
After starting back home, I started checking out the phone, only to find that the girl had personalized it with a new background, entered her name in place of my daughter’s, and downloaded multiple ringtones (which I’m getting hit with the charges on!!!), and had taken a picture of a little black baby (I don’t know if it was hers or someone else’s, but it is still on the phone). There was never any intention by this person to return the phone to us, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t work for Hyundai.
Needless to say, this was an adventure that I’m glad is over and I hope I never have to repeat. But if I have to, I will, because again, there was a principal involved here, and that is that you don’t take and use what doesn’t belong to you. By the end of this, it became less about getting back a $50 cell phone, and more about being sure that someone who would behave that way not be allowed to keep something that wasn’t hers.
12.31.09
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS (BLECHT!)
As many of you know, I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions. It’s not that I think change or self-improvement is bad, per se. It’s just that I think those changes should come from yearly quota in January from all the weight loss resolutions).
But, if you are bent on making such resolutions this year, I have a few suggestions that, in my humble opinion, are better than the endless “quit smoking,” “quit drinking,” and “lose weight” resolutions that so many others make every year.
1) Forgive someone for something. I’m not talking about forgiving that jerk that pulled out in front of you this morning and caused you to spill your coffee. I’m talking about REALLY forgiving someone who has wronged you in the past. We all have at least one (and probably dozens) of people who did something to us years ago that we still get a little miffed over when we stop and think about it. It might be a family member, it might be a friend, or it might be that person from high school that you have hated for 30 years because they stole your honey (or your perceived honey) away from you.
You don’t have to go to them and make a big deal out of this forgiveness. As a matter of fact, in many cases (especially the latter that I mentioned), it would probably just make things worse. No, the forgiveness should be as much for your peace of mind as for theirs. Many times, the person in need of forgiveness doesn’t think they’ve done anything wrong, and even if they recognized it, many are too stubborn to admit it. But that weight that lifts off your shoulders when you forgive can feel miraculous. And you may even need to say it out loud, even if it’s not for that person’s ears.
2) Perform an act (or acts) of service. Yesterday, I went to the Jimmie Hale Mission in Birmingham to serve lunch to the men who gather there for their survival. I’ve been a part of service projects before, but never at the Mission. I’ve seen the men standing around outside all day, some who are pretty rough looking. I expected that again when I went yesterday. There were a couple who fit that description, but of the 100 or so men that ate there yesterday, I was amazed (and a little disturbed) by the number who looked like me. No, I don’t mean old, fat and bald (although, again, there were a few of those). I mean there were an alarming number who looked like a very short time ago, they were a middle-class guy working a fairly good-paying job, probably had a family, and something (like this economy) went very, very wrong for them. I know that my family lives paycheck-to-paycheck, and if I was out of work for very long at all, I could be standing in that line waiting for a piece of smoked sausage and sauerkraut.
3) Reflect backward on your life. Take some time one day to simply take an inventory of your life – the things you’ve done, the successes you’ve had, even the failures you’ve experienced. I’m a firm believer that a person can’t know where they are unless they know where they’ve been. This isn’t exactly the same as counting your blessings, because when we do that, we rarely look at the failures. I think we can learn a lot more from our failures in life than from our successes (although we all hope the successes far outnumber the failures – maybe that’s why I’m so smart, I’ve failed so much in my life that I’ve learned more than most!).
4) Reflect forward on your life. OK, once you’ve seen where you’ve been, it’s a good time to look at where you are going. I’m big on goal setting, both long- and short-term. I don’t do it enough, but I am big on it. We need to constantly be striving to improve ourselves, not just professionally, but spiritually, emotionally, intelligently, etc. When you’ve looked back at where you were 5, 10, 20 years ago, it’s time to project out where you want to be (and where you think you’ll be, which aren’t always the same thing) 5, 10 and 20 years down the road.
5) Become a leader. This doesn’t necessarily mean to go after that supervisors job at work, although that’s a start. I mean be a leader in the way you carry yourself, in the way you work, especially to your family. If you’re a housewife, start a neighborhood watch group or a “Clean Up the Neighborhood” group, and lead that effort. If you’re a manual laborer without much chance at advancement, lead by example by doing your job the best you can every time out. Be someone others WANT to follow.
6) Learn to follow graciously. Even though I’m encouraging you all to become leaders, you also need to know how and when to follow. That’s actually a main trait of great leaders is knowing how to follow when that is called for. There are times when someone else is in charge, and you can either be a cooperative and effective part of the team, or a disruptive force who is trying to force themselves into the leadership role. Do you take directions well? Some do, some don’t, but if you don’t, you need to learn how to.
7) Hug your kids! This may be the most important one of all, and it is sometimes the most overlooked. Ever heard someone say, “My kids know I love them.” Do they? Nothing says love like a reassuring hug (that actually applies at any age, but especially for kids). If you don’t have kids, please feel free to hug mine (unless you’re a dirty old perv – then you can leave them alone!). My kids can use all the love and hugs they can get. They have to live with my crotchety ol’ butt!).
8) Tell someone you love them – EVERY DAY. And I don’t mean the same person every day. Surely you know someone besides your spouse or your kids that you love (I hope you do, anyway). The Love Passage – 1 Corinthians 13 – says in verse 13, “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” Love is the greatest gift God has given us, both sexual love and friendly love. Don’t fun from it, run toward it. Seek people out who can give and accept love from you.
9) Grow closer to God. OK, I’ve avoided being preachy throughout this post, but I would be remiss if I left this off of a list of resolutions. It doesn’t matter if you are the strongest Christian (or Jew, or any other religion), or if you are just starting your walk with God, or especially if you are an atheist (I have many friends who are – far too many!), you can always be closer to Him. If you ever become such an arrogant follower that you think you can’t get any closer to God, you’ve failed somewhere. There are many, MANY areas that I can become closer to God, and I plan to try and do so. Just for the record, that is NOT a New Year’s Resolution, it’s just a decision I made many years ago. You know, looking back on all these other suggestions for resolutions for all of you, now that I think about it, if you just do #9 on this list, the others will probably all happen naturally.
12.24.09
AN OPEN LETTER TO GOD ON CHRISTMAS EVE
Dear God,
I just thought I would write you a quick letter, since I've been remiss in talking to you face-to-face lately. I know I should spend more time talking to you, fostering this relationship. You certainly have to feel that it's a one-sided deal sometimes, with you participating a lot more than me.
I usually only talk to you when things are really, really good, and I want to thank you for blessing me, or when things are really, really bad, and I want to ask for your help. I know I should talk to you a lot more when things are just going along normally. That's the case 90% of the time, and maybe if I spent more time doing that, the good would be there a lot more, and the bad would be there a lot less.
I read a little of your book this year, but again, not nearly enough. I do plan to make my way all the way through it sometime. I keep saying that I just don't have the time to do it, but you and I both know that's not exactly true, that the fact is, I don't make it a priority as I should. I get a bit of it every week in church. As you know, I changed churches this year. That was very difficult for me, because the people at my previous church had become like family. I haven't found my niche at this new church, so I'm sure I'm not in as good a shape in my Christian walk as I should be, or as I was just this time last year. Again, sorry for that, and I know you will forgive me.
That is still a concept that is difficult to understand - how we can continually mess up, make mistakes, do the wrong thing - and you somehow manage to forgive that. I have a lot of trouble understanding that, because I can truly say that this is the only relationship I've ever known where that was the case. Some people are forgiving (some are not), but even the ones that are will eventually run out of patience in the forgiving department. But not you! Baffling!
Well, on to the thank you's for this year. I know I have a tremendous amount to be thankful for. As I said earlier, that part I usually do pretty well - thanking you when something good happens. At least, when I recognize it I do. So many of the blessings that I receive I think I overlook, but I try not to. First, I really appreciate the job you've provided for me. I haven't always done it as well as I should, but I realize, with the current state of our country, how blessed I am just to be employed. I've had a number of friends this year who lost their jobs - some for several months before being re-employed.
I would be very remiss if I didn't thank you for my family. I have two healthy, happy (I think), beautiful girls. You and I both know they aren't perfect, but they are in my eyes. I know people who lost children this year, to me the most horrific thing that can happen to someone. I've known some who had children born with illnesses, and others who battled acquired illnesses. Some won their battles, others lost. Thank you for sheltering me from having to face that this year, and I pray that is something I never have to deal with in my lifetime.
I've known a number of people whose marriages dissolved this year. Some through infidelity, some through financial difficulties, and some just because they grew apart. And even a couple that were ended by the death of one of the spouses. While I, like many, many others, have dealt with difficulties in my marriage, I'm thankful that I don't have to face the uncertainties of a future alone. If there is any opportunity for me to help any of my friends dealing with that, I ask that you would reveal those opportunties to me and give me the wisdom to say and do the right things by them.
Lastly, I'm thankful for my friends, both old and new, who lend themselves to me so wholly. Family is important, but friends may be just as critical. You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends, and that is certainly and area where I excel. I have tremendous friends, and I'm very thankful for each and every one of them. I hope you will make me as good a friend to each of them as they are to me.
Thanks for taking time to listen, as you always do. I'll try not to be quite so long or as infrequent in talking with you next year. Oh, I almost forgot. Thanks again for the whole reason for the season that we are in. Thanks for sending Jesus to earth so that those who choose to follow him my experience all those things that I have mentioned in this letter.
Yours in Christ,
Keith
11.26.09
THANKSGIVING – THE MOST RELIGIOUS SECULAR HOLIDAY
There are a ton of religious holidays out there – Christmas, Easter, Hanukkah, Yom Kippur, Ramadan – the list goes on forever. But there is one holiday that you will never find on the list of religious holidays. It’s one that I contend is not only the most religious secular holiday of the year, it might just be the most religious holiday of all, at least here in the USA.
That holiday, of course, is Thanksgiving. While that holiday is exclusive to the United States (it did start with the Pilgrims, after all), it isn’t exclusive to any religion. EVERYONE, whether Christian, Jewish, Islamic, Buddhist, whatever – if they live in the United States, they celebrate that holiday. Heck, even atheists celebrate that holiday!
Now you may ask, just because everyone celebrates it, how does that make it a religious holiday? First, let’s take a look at the definition of Thanksgiving:
Thanks-GIV-ing: noun - The act of giving thanks; grateful acknowledgment of benefits or favors, esp. to God.
"The act of giving thanks." Let’s ignore the part at the end for now that says “especially to God” and just focus on the act of giving thanks. If you’re giving thanks, you have to be giving it to someone, don’t you? I wonder who non-believers offer thanks to on Thanksgiving? Do they just go around offering thanks to each other? Do they thank random strangers? Or maybe they just thank themselves for what they accomplished in the past year? I really don’t know. But if you celebrate Thanksgiving (and I believe more Americans celebrate this holiday than any other), you have to be thanking someone, don’t you?
As a Christian, I know who I’m thanking today. I try to thank Him everyday, but I sometimes fail. Sometimes I forget to say thank you to God, or sometimes things may not be going the way I think they should, so I’m not as thankful as I should be. But as Thanksgiving comes to a close for another year, I’m very thankful that there is a holiday where everyone, regardless of their religion, can come together long enough to be thankful for all the blessings that they have received (even the atheists!).
11.18.09
ADIOS, YELLOW ROSE - I BARELY KNEW YE!
Thanks to Facebook, I learned today that one of my old high school teachers had passed away at the ripe old age of 87. As the saying goes, “She lived a nice full life.” That saying is usually just thrown around whenever someone lives into their 70s or beyond, regardless of whether they really DID live a full life. In her case, it appears to be a tremendous understatement.
The irony of this is that, even though she taught me Spanish for two years some 30+ years ago, and I talked about her to other former students for years, I had no idea what kind of woman she was. The running joke about Mrs. Luverna Waid was that she was a little kooky. She wore those wacky horn-rimmed glasses and funky flowing skirts, her course, curly hair looking more like a bird’s nest than a fashion trend. Add to that the exuberance of someone who clearly loved what she was doing, and you have what, on the surface seemed a bit eccentric. But then, when I read her obituary, I learned that nothing could be further from the truth. I couldn’t do justice to her life with my paltry words here, but if you want to really know about a great human being, follow this link - http://tinyurl.com/ybl9lgt
In that obituary, you will find perhaps one of the most selfless people with whom I’ve ever crossed paths. She was apparently a civic icon who gave selflessly of her time for over 60 years - all over the world - simply to make other people’s lives better. I never would’ve guessed it. I always just thought of her as a silly ol’ goof that, despite her eccentricities, was certainly an above average teacher.
It set me to wondering about who else I’ve been acquainted with in life that I didn’t really know. Certainly, there were other teachers that I had no idea what their personal life was like. I see friends of mine now that are teachers, whom I think I know well, but can imagine that their school personalities to their students very well may seem totally different than the real person underneath. In fact, I’m sure it is or they would be fired on the spot! B^ )
That leads me to believe that not just teachers, but other people as well are probably a lot different at home than they are at work. Or vice versa. Maybe their real personality is the one they show at work, and the protective shell goes up at home, not letting those closest to them see their real persona. I believe both types exist, but it’s sometimes hard to know which is which.
Apparently, from the Facebook posts I’ve read today from some of my fellow students, some of them knew much more about Mrs. Waid than I did. Maybe it was because they took the time to get to know her better than I did when we were in school. Maybe it is because they remained in Gadsden and learned more about her after we graduated and grew up, when it was easier to know what to look for in a person’s personality. Either way, I feel a little saddened now that I didn’t know her better, because from what I’ve learned today, I think I would’ve been a better person myself if I did. So farewell, you Yellow Rose of Texas – or should I simply say, “Adios, mi amiga!”
10.30.09 HOMECOMING
I’m sitting here at home at 10:30 on a Friday night, waiting and wondering how my 15-year-old daughter is making out at homecoming. Making out – hmmm, maybe that’s a poor choice of words (at least I hope it is!!!).
This isn’t her first homecoming dance. It’s her third. She attended two of them last year as a freshman – her’s (Hoover) and her then-boyfriend’s (Pelham). Yes, she attended more homecoming dances in her freshman year than I did my entire high school life. Sad, isn’t it?
Homecoming and prom are two things that all high school kids should attend, regardless of whether they have dates or not. Those are memories that can’t be replaced, even though you don’t know it at the time. Personally, I never went to any of the homecoming dances, and only went to one prom. I was lucky enough to escort two very pretty girls who were homecoming favorites at halftime of the games. Obviously, the boys weren’t voted on back then, they were simply asked by the girls to be their escorts.
I was never popular or good-looking enough to be voted into any of the elected positions, such as prom lead-out. Actually, come to think of it, I really wasn’t popular or good-looking enough to be asked by either of those girls. The first one asked because her boyfriend went to a different school and wasn’t allowed to escort her, and the other one’s boyfriend played on the football team and was a friend of mine, so he felt safe in letting her ask me.
I think I only attended one Christmas dance while in high school, and my senior prom was the only prom I went to. Two dances in four years of high school. Geez! And the irony here is that I was a pretty good dancer and loved to dance. I made up for my lack of dancing in high school once I got to college. I made up for a lot of things once I got to college, but that’s another story for another time, and in a venue where my kids can’t read about it!!!
I do have great memories of the two homecoming games in which I participated in the lead-out. My junior year, I escorted Lisa McKelvey, easily one of the prettiest girls in school. I think what I liked best about escorting her, other than the fact that I had a massive crush on her, was that her boyfriend hated it and me. The reason her boyfriend hated me escorting her was that all through high school, he accused me of snaking on her. He was just sure that I wanted to steal his girlfriend away from him. He was right, of course, but I always denied it, and Lisa, bless her heart, never believed it. Or maybe she did believe it but knew there was no way she would ever go out with me in the first place, so there was no danger of me swooping in and taking her away.
The second year wasn’t as much fun for me. Not because the girl wasn’t pretty, because she was. Her name was Mindy Robinson, and she had been a Junior Olympic swimmer, so you knew she had to be a good kisser (she could hold her breath forever!). But, I liked her boyfriend and would NEVER have tried to snake his girl. The other guy? Well, let’s just say if I had half a chance with Lisa, I would’ve loved taking her away from him, because he simply was not a nice person.
Looking back, if I had it to do all over again, I would’ve gone to every homecoming dance, every Christmas dance, and every prom I could have. I would’ve asked out a lot more girls than I did (maybe even Lisa McKelvey). And I would’ve made a lot more memories to enjoy when I became the middle-aged man I am today.
8.18.09
GREATEST BUSINESS TRIP EVER
I’m in the midst of the best business trip of my life, and that’s saying something. I’ve traveled a fair amount in the past 15 years with my various jobs, but I’ve never had a trip filled with as much self-awareness as this one has had. And it’s only half over! I don’t know if I can stand much more.
This hasn’t been the best trip in terms of sales (although I’ve had some good meetings). No, this trip’s special times have come after hours. I’ve seen things – and more importantly, realized things – that I haven’t in the past.
It doesn’t hurt that I’m in one of my favorite locations in the world – The Grand Hotel in Point Clear. It has all the benefits of the Gulf Coast, without all the mess of the beach. It has its own little man-made beach, but nothing like Orange Beach or Destin. Those places are nice, but I can do without having sand everywhere (and I mean, EVERYWHERE!).
Anyway, I’ve been fortunate on this trip to see and be around people in every phase of life, and this has provided me with the opportunity to take a long, hard look at my own life, along with what phase I’m in. I finished up about 4 p.m. today and headed back to the hotel and decided to take a little bike ride. Bikes are provided free for up to 1 hour per day, so I took advantage. After the ride, I took a dip in the pool. As I was sitting there on the chaise, there were three college-age girls sitting behind me. While they watched kids play in the pool, they were talking about what they wanted to name their children once they were finally able to hook a husband.
These girls were in Phase I of adulthood, the Dream Phase. That’s when you’re officially an adult (even though they sure seemed like kids to me), but you’ve experienced nothing. You have big dreams. Dreams of what your family will be like, dreams of what kind of job you’ll have, dreams of the impact you will have on the world. I remember the Dream Phase all too well. I was going to write the Great American Novel (along with several others), and have a level of success somewhere between John Irving and Stephen King. First, though, I was going to travel the world as a journalist, covering things (and uncovering things) that no one else had seen. I was going to have a wife and a couple of kids (hey, I got that one right), but that was more of an afterthought for me at that time.
As I laid there and watched the families playing in the pool, I recognized Phase II. I like to call it the Innocence Phase. That’s when you’re first married – I guess I could call it the Honeymoon Phase – and you’re whole life is ahead of you as a couple. Maybe I should call it the Honeymoon Phase instead of the Innocence Phase, because judging from the fact that they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other, Innocence probably doesn’t really fit! Anyway, it’s that phase when you’re just starting out and you don’t really know what all the pitfalls are that await you in the real world. Some of them aren’t pretty, and many of them are VERY dangerous, both literally and figuratively.
Then there was the cute little family in Phase III, the Reality Phase. A man was in the pool playing with his two daughters, who appeared to be about 2 and 4 (man, I miss those days!). This man was living reality. He had two beautiful girls, and he was squeezing every ounce of fun out of them. He carried them on his back while he swam like a whale, he pulled them under the waterfall, he took them on the water slide. He was probably working hard at his job 50-60 hours a week, taking his two weeks a year of vacation, but he was making the most out of them. That’s the phase you think (and looking back, maybe should pray) will never end.
Phase IV was…well, that was me. That’s the Denial Phase. I’m at that stage in life where things are all changing way too fast. My oldest is less than 3 years from being out of the house, and is getting too busy for me (until she needs money). My youngest is almost 11 and OHHHHHHH so embarrassed by me and everything that I do. She’s also a social butterfly, so she’s gone as much as she’s at home. I’m in denial that either of these two is old enough to be at the phase in life that they are in.
For any of you reading this that have looked at my Facebook photos in the past couple of days, you’ll know what Phase V is. That’s the Success Phase. I’m really hoping that’s not a phase that I’m going to bypass. The Success Phase was demonstrated for me on this trip by the 50-something couple I saw stepping off their 120-foot yacht (yes, I measured it by walking it off like a football referee). I have no idea what yachts sell for, but I would be shocked if this one wasn’t somewhere between $5 and $10 million. OK, I don’t expect to reach THAT level of success, but the Success Phase is marked by that time in life AFTER the kids have left home and you’re finally able to stack some money away. It’s the time when you don’t have to look at your check book to see if there’s enough money for a vacation this year (or for groceries before the end of the month). You’re able to do what you want, when you want, without too much regret over what you spend.
The final phase that I saw on this trip, Phase VI, I witnessed the first morning here when I went to breakfast. It’s what I call the Contentment Phase. This adorable little 80-year-old couple was walking to breakfast ahead of me, and they were holding hands. I guess I’m a hopeless romantic, because any time I see blue hairs holding hands, I get this weird, warm feeling all over. I followed them into the restaurant here on the property and spent my entire breakfast just watching them. They still made each other laugh out loud. They still looked directly into each other’s eyes when they talked, and at least gave the appearance of actually caring what the other one said. No, I'm actually SURE they cared what the other one said. And for some reason I just know that when one of them passes away, the other won’t be long for this world. They are the kind of couple who just can’t live without each other. I asked how long they had been married. “Fifty-eight years and still going strong,” the gentleman said. I’m still not sure if I was happy for them, or just jealous.
Tonight, I was contemplating this blog, and what I would write. I was sitting outside on a gorgeous night that felt like fall had already made it to the Gulf Coast. A gentle breeze was blowing, and there was some beautiful lightning several miles out in the Gulf. I moved down to the end of the resort property, to get a better look at the lightning, where there is a gazebo-like structure that hangs out over the water on a small point. After watching the splendor and power of the lightning for several minutes, I spent some time in conversation with my Maker, thanking him for the beauty of the night, and just as I finished, I heard a succession of four loud PHLEEEWWWs!
Don’t try to look that word up, it doesn’t exist. I didn’t know how else to describe it. It was a sound I had never heard before. If I had to put a similar sound to it, I would say it sounded like someone holding their nose, sucking in real hard, then letting go. Try it and you’ll know what I’m talking about. It scared the crap out of me! I was wondering if God had decided that after our little talk, He was ready to take me home!!! I kept listening, and every few seconds, I would hear one or two more PHLEEEWWWs.
It was dark, and I was scanning the water, trying to figure out what kind of sea creature was going to suck me in and under the water, when I realized that not more than 20 feet or so away, a school of dolphin was easing through the water, feeding on the small bait fish near the shore. I had never been this close to a dolphin in the wild, in this quiet of a setting. I’ve been on fishing boats with the engine blaring and them swimming about 40 mph beside it, and I’ve seen them in captivity, but never in the dead of night with them in spitting distance.
They eased further down the shore, then a little further out, and I followed them for about 50 yards, until I couldn’t see them any more. I’m not sure if God was trying to tell me something or not. I wish I could attribute some epiphany to this chance encounter, but I really can’t, other than maybe those dolphins represent for me Phase VII, the last phase of life, known only as the Death Phase. The phase where God really does call us home.
08.09.2009
HOW TO ENJOY A CLASS REUNION
When you reach your 40s (ok, for me, LATE 40s), and those reunion invitations start showing up, there’s a certain temptation to talk yourself out of going. You start going through all the self-doubt questions about seeing old friends. “Will they think I’m fat?” “Will they laugh at my baldness?” “Will they look at my piece of crap car and think I’m not successful enough?” I could go on and on. I’ve got a million of ‘em, believe me!
When you start asking yourselves this question and wondering whether you should go to reunions once you reach your 40s, I have but one answer for you – DO IT!!! It is very well worth it. I just attended one (my 29th – don’t ask about the weird number for a reunion. It was a joint reunion with a bunch of classes.), and it was a blast. I do, however, have some pointers on how to really, REALLY enjoy a class reunion when you reach this age. Follow these simple steps, and I assure you of a good time:
1) Find the Funniest Person in the Place and Spend Most of Your Time Hovering Around Them. I did this, and boy, did it work. At my reunion, it was my oldest friend in the world, who I grew up next door to. He is one of those people who is funny without really trying to be. Everything out of his mouth is hilarious, which is compounded by the fact that his language is salty enough to make a sailor blush. He somehow manages to do that without offending anyone, including the women and the ones who have become preachers.
I left with my side feeling like someone had shot me with a harpoon. I’ve never seen so many women at a reunion have to go to the bathroom to fix their makeup after listening to someone for only 5 minutes, the laughter causing tears that made their mascara run. He told stories and shot the bull all over that place last night, and got more than a few people in trouble, but nobody minded.
The really remarkable part of this is that my friend is battling colon cancer for the second time in his life, and nobody really knows what the future with that disease holds for him. Someone came up to Richey and shared a story about their own battle with cancer and how it changed them forever. “Hell, I said when I got this stuff I wasn’t going to let it change me, and I’ll be damned if it will,” he said. Congratulations, my man, because you’ve succeeded in your quest. You’re as funny as you ever were, and you haven’t changed a bit. Please don’t!
2) Play a Game of “Who’s Bought New Boobs Since Graduation?” Granted, this game is made MUCH more fun if you follow rule number 1. It’s really a pretty easy game, since most of the ones who have made such a wonderful investment usually wear very low cut outfits, making it pretty obvious. “Hell, that one right there got her money’s worth.” – that from my funny friend. See why I said it’s much more fun if you hang with the funny guy whey you play this game? You do have to be careful about this game though, so the women (and especially their dates/husbands) don’t catch you looking at their boobs. Luckily, every one had name tags on, since none of us look like we did 30 years ago, so everyone was going around staring at each other’s chests, so you could always make out like you were trying to see who they were. Just saying…
3) Expect Disappointment. Not from the people who show up, because when all is said and done, we’re (almost) all too fat, too bald, or not as successful as we want to be. In the end, none of that really matters once you’re back around old friends. You all turn back into 15-year-olds again, if only for one night. No, the disappointment comes from the people who DON’T show up. That old crush that you really wanted to see, just to find out how their life turned out. Your old nemesis that you never really liked much, but somehow begrudgingly respected (OK, so you’re really hoping he shows up weighing 3 bills with a really ugly skank on his arm and poorer than a farmer in Phoenix, but you’re still disappointed when he’s not there). All those people you haven’t seen in 30 years that you would like to have just one more opportunity to talk to. At this age, the next reunion is never a guarantee, so prepare for the disappointment of not seeing the ones who aren’t there.
4) Don’t Pick and Choose Events To Go To. Sometimes this can’t be avoided, but if you go to one of these reunions, don’t just go to the first night or the second night. And don’t miss the morning breakfast or school tour, either. We didn’t have very many show up for the school tour on Saturday morning, but I’m glad I was one of them. First, because it was great fun reminiscing about which classroom belonged to which teacher, and telling tales about what had happened here and what should’ve happened there. Stories of the female teacher that seemed to overly enjoy taking 4 or 5 boys into the hall for a spanking EVERY SINGLE DAY, and why the lunch room was about ½ the size that we all remembered it being.
The second reason was because one of my very good friends from high school only showed up for the tour. Prior obligations kept him from either of the night events, but he was at the tour. I found out that not only is he getting back with his ex-wife, who he’s been divorced from for many years, but he now lives in my sub-division in Birmingham. I gave him by business card and asked him to call me for lunch. I hope he does, but I would never have had that opportunity if I skipped the school tour. Go to everything next time.
Well, those are my very basic rules to live by the next time you have a reunion invitation that comes you way. For me, it will be exactly one year. That will be my third opportunity in three years for a reunion. Sometimes I think these people are just looking for an excuse to party! To that, I simply say, “SIGN ME UP!"